A/N: Ron was never a particular favourite of mine. Completely off canon, but not completely OOC. Ron is a prat. Hah. Revel in my crap fic writing skills. I'm personally appalled at the grammar and sentence structure. Wah.
The giant squid is legend at Hogwarts. While Harry Potter is a temporary distraction, the squid is always there for students to muse over, scream over, and for certain freckled red-heads to lust over.
Ron remembers the first time he ever saw the giant squid. It was in the end of June, at the end of third year. The squid had poked it's pale pink, almost translucent head out of the water, and Ron could swear that the liquid yellow eye had bore right into the very depths of his soul. He could feel the shiver right down to the pits of his stomach and perhaps lower. The perfect cone-shape of the head, the rounded off and smoothened triangle...it was a wonder how any creature could be so undeniably, beautifully phallic. How remarkable to be shaped in such a form!
It was at that moment that Ron began hating Dennis Creevy. He has a flashback of Dennis Creevy wet and excited from falling in the lake and being rescued by the squid. The squid and it's big powerful tentacles! Ron wished that he could lifted out of the water by such muscle. Thick purple armlike structures wrapped around his small form, squeezing him till he was purple just like his beloved. And the tiny suction cups planting sweet kisses on his skin. He can barely supress his moans.
He wanted to reach out and pet the tip of the squid's head, lick the slime off the tentacles. If he could he would rough and tumble with the squid and run around with tentacles wobbling in jelly-like formation out of his arse.
The grace of the squid swimming lazily across the water, drifting almost was so compelling that his late night dreams featured Ron lying in a tub with a squid smothering his nether regions. He dreamt of suckling each tentacle. These dreams broke him into such a state of euphoric passion that cold showers were soon futile.
He needed to take a plunge into the icy cold depths of Hogwarts Lake where his sweet darling mollusk was. Oh he would make that squid ink like it had never inked before.
Ron finds himself staring into the lake crooning softly. He imagines a yellow orb beckoning to him from the watery depths.
He plunges in, and feels the rush of the water surrounding him.
He gasps for air and then gasps with sudden pleasure as he feels a trunklike tentacle wrapped around him tightly in a lover's embrace. He ran his hands down the slippery skin of the squid and placed tiny kisses on the suction cups as they tingled through his skin to the very nuclei of his cells.
How he longed for this day, this moment, this night where he could be at one with his beloved. He could feel the squid's tentacle stroking gently along the clefts of his buttocks, slipping in, no lubrication needed...and oh Ron cries.
And he shuts his eyes and he sees the stars plucked right down from the sky just for him and all for him because he was Ron and the squid was the squid. Everything was perfect for the squid was in him like no lunch ever could fill him up and Ron swallows the water and gasps in more water.
Drowning...drowning in his desires, in his pleasures. He will be the Boy Who Shagged the Squid, he will surpass Harry Potter for the squid would always be here, touching him with it's long tender sticky strokes of love.
And then everything is black.
Your mother always tells you not to play with your food. Whether she's referring to shagging your food or your food shagging you...well. That remains a matter fo be discussed. They blamed Malfoy for the death of Ron...because that's just what people do. Blame Malfoy for anything that happens to go amok in the life of Gryffindordom.
There's a moral behind all things. Don't play with your food. Don't play with your food in the water. And don't let your food eat you. Unless you're Ronald Weasley. If you are...you should do just those things. Make a fandom happy.
<3 you all. don't <3 ron. ew.